Few things can shake one’s life and faith like grief. Whilst people say ‘It gets better with time’ the ache lingers and can steal your breath far longer than anyone warns. ¹

The pain of losing a loved one can be like no other pain on earth.  

Culturally, we tend to gather in support of those mourning, which is of tremendous help and strength. As the commemorations, funeral arrangements and other milestones pass, the dust settles, and life inevitably goes on. Things seem to return to normalcy, and it can often be hoped or assumed that ‘they are now ok’. 

This can be made worse in church where Christians may bravely say they are ‘fine’ because of their faith in Christ and yet deny the excruciating emotions of disbelief, anger, confusion, guilt, fear, loneliness and depression. Even desperate emptiness and crippling lack of motivation for life. Often these emotions are cyclical, toggling between each other on different days or even in the same day. Whilst such experience of emotion is normal and natural for believers and unbelievers alike, they may be beat themselves up saying ‘I’m a Christian, I should not be struggling with this’.

Coping with loss is inexplicably hard. But as Jesus said ‘My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness’, we would like to be a church that truly, authentically, ‘mourns with those who mourn’ in the grace that The Lord gives us (2 Cor 12:9 & Rom 12:15).

In my experience of grief, I have found nothing more helpful than genuine honesty as the basis for working through the tumultuous pain and array of disorientating emotions. May I encourage us, as we face grief of many kinds, to be courageously honest as we process our loss: 

Upwards with GOD

Outwards with OTHERS

Inwards with OURSELVES

Honesty in Processing Upwards with GOD

He bore our griefs and carried our sorrows. Isaiah 53:4

Sometimes it is hard to know what we are feeling and where to even start looking amid the intensity of our loss.  

God identifies with our loss at the deepest possible level.  God loves us more than our hearts can understand and placed himself, through the cross, at the center of human suffering.  Christ suffered that we would never suffer alone.  

God knows the thoughts of our minds and the attitudes of our hearts better than we know ourselves. We do well (like David, Job and other heroes of the faith) to express to Him our deepest conflicts, fears, angers and emotions with the greatest authenticity we can muster.  

‘However deep our pain, however fierce our anger, however crippling our fear, however numbing our grief – Jesus identifies with it and with us in it.  He is Immanuel – God with us.’ (Dr. G.A. Boyd – Letters from a Skeptic)

God understands us.  He is well able to handle the worst we will face and express to Him.  He is eternally the Great Redeemer who brings beauty out of ashes.   We can respond with full confidence to Jesus’ invitation to ‘come to me all who are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.’

Honesty in Processing Outwards with OTHERS

Jesus wept. John 11:35

It is vitally important for us to express our grief to others as fully as we possibly can, just as Jesus did at the tomb of Lazarus. 

It takes significant effort and intentionality to meet with a small group leader, therapist, spouse or friend – but the benefits are immense. Find whatever healthy way works best for you, find a safe place, and allow your voice of grief to be heard.  

It is so important not to bury your grief in denial but rather to verbalise, as candidly as possible, what you are feeling and thinking to those you trust.  

Jerry Sittser says is his highly recommended book, A Grace Disguised ‘The only way to reach the light is to face the darkness and walk through it, as painful and difficult as that is.’ As we articulate our grief, we are helped to face the depths of our emotions, which is essential for us to process in the healthiest way. Due to the cyclical nature of these emotions, this process of expression is likely to be a longer journey rather than a once off moment.

Honesty in Processing Inwards with OURSELVES.

…in all things God works for the good of those who love him… Rom 8:28

Somewhere close to the epicenter of our grief/pain, our finite minds grapple with the crushing questions of ‘Why?’ 

Turbulence in the questions of our finite minds challenge peace in the promises of our Infinite God. Getting to this peace is something of what the Scripture calls ‘the peace of God that passes understanding, guarding our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus’. 

One of the most all-encompassing and reassuring of such promises is Rom 8:28-29:

‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God fore knew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the first born among many brothers’.  

This is a deeply significant promise.  

John Piper says of this verse, ‘Once you walk through the door of love into the massive, unshakable structure of Romans 8.28-29 everything changes.  If you live inside this massive promise, your life is more solid and stable than Mount Everest. Nothing can blow you over when you are inside the walls of this promise.’

The confidence that a sovereign God governs, for your good, all the pain and all the pleasure that you will ever experience is an incomparable refuge and security and hope and power in your life.  

When God’s people really live by the future grace of Romans 8:28-29 – from the measles to the mortuary – they are the freest, strongest and most generous people in the world. Their light shines and people give glory to God who is in heaven (Matt 5:16).

In a similar mental process, CH Spurgeon faces these questions as follows: ‘In seasons of severe trial, the Christian has nothing on earth he can trust and is therefore compelled to cast himself on God alone. When no human deliverance can avail, he must simply and entirely trust himself to the providence and care of God.  Happy storm that wrecks a man on such a rock as this…. that drives a soul to God and God alone.’

I humbly submit this to you in your grief and pray that it helps you in the unique situation you face. Many of us are facing losses directly due to Covid-19. Others indirectly due to the ripple effects of the broad-sweeping pandemic. Others are suffering loss though incidences completely unrelated to the disease. As we process the pain of grief in whatever circumstance, we can be assured that whilst it is never easy, in fact often seemingly impossible or insurmountable, the fruit of sustained authenticity through the weeks, months and years can be a fountain of life for your soul and many others.

Notes:

¹Whilst ‘grief’ is a term that refers to emotions experienced due to loss in a realm broader than death alone, I am addressing the issues of grief associated with death of a loved one as a primary focus in this blog.